But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
