Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
