Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
