That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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