glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
