shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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