Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
