i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Come on in and take your pants off
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