I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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