Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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