i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
So vagazzling was a success
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
