Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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