At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
