exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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