he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
