Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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