Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
