yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
