this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
