my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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