Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
