so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
