it hurts more in the daytime
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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