i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
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She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
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