I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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