She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
