You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Randomize
