I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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