My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
