I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
