You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize