last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
