FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
