youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
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