I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
