So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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