i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
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I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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