somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
