Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
