i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
