By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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