Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
