i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
