I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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