I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
