Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
