Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
