Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
