hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
a search helicopter?!
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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