My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
