i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
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