I met the friendliest cop last night
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
