You made me cry and you don't even care
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
