you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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