At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
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I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
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It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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