if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
...so i touched it.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
