does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
