Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
