I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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